The Angsty Romantic

I'm not gonna lie. I've been pretty crappy at keeping you up to date. I promise you a full blog post tomorrow explaining a new things.
In a nutshell though: today was AWESOME and I think the audition went really well :)

This time last year, I failed an NYT audition. Not this year. This year I'm better than last year. This year, I will get in.
So why am I still nervous?

As I'm on the topic of it with a close friend and it fits with my post from yesterday, I'm going to go with this train of thought.

I know that my mum wants the best for me and when we disagree about something she's just trying to make me "be practical", but I don't WANT to be "practical". Practical is a nameless worker who spends 9 hours a day trapped in a cubicle and the other 15 hours a day dreading returning. But my mum's not the only one. Every time I go out for a meal or such with someone, it feels like they ask me what I WANT to be before they tell me what I CAN be.

This was brought about by two things.
1. Mum doesn't think I'll get into Charters, due to where I live. Which is a fair comment, but I could've done without the pessimism. Apparently LOADS of people have applied this year (as in a lot more than they allow into the sixth form).
2. I want to quit Tap and Modern. I've honestly never felt more invisable to a teacher. I missed the first two weeks of term due to the pantomime and I GENUINELY don't think she noticed. She said maybe... 2 words to me in the 2 hours of her teaching me? There were only 4 of us in our tap class. 2 fucking words. What's the point?

But anyway. Saturday was pretty good overall. Ballet was enjoyable(ish), Tap and Modern sucked ass, Jazz was fun and the gig was bloody amazing. I've talked to a member from one of the bands after the concert and he's lovely :)

Sunday was good until the night. Got up at around 11 because Sunday is literally my only chance for a lie in, and spent a good 2 hours choosing subjects. Talked to a couple of friends and then went for a family meal to celebrate my mum's birthday which was 3 weeks prior but we hadn't got round to due to the show. I love Italian. Their food is alright too hehehe. Ok, I admit, that's not the first time I've made that joke. Anyway it got to the evening and a good friend jokingly threatened to post a picture to facebook. Last saturday he showed said picture to a couple of members of the snow queen cast and I got quite upset because, well, it's a hideous picture. He told me he wouldn't show it to anyone else and I left it. But I think he was joking when I said he wouldn't, and he did. Which, being honest, upset me. Maybe I over-reacted, but he told me he wouldn't show it to anyone, let alone put it on the internet! I got pissy and just ignored a facebook comment and rejected two of his phone calls. I was watching Skins and, frankly, didn't want to talk to him.
Tweeted to a mutual friend who told me staying mad wouldn't be worth it in the long run and, whilst she was mad I was a little bit upset. Mostly because he claimed he'd uploaded it accidentally but had "liked" it after I commented. So I went to bed kinda angsty and it took a while to get to sleep.

Woke up this morning and sent him a text saying, effectively, if you swear to me it was an accident I'll believe you but I'm just a bit less convinced due to the fact you liked it. He responded saying he promised it was an accident and that he hadn't slept properly because he was so worried about our friendship. Part of me was won over by his concern and the other half was won over by Gemma's words so I sent him another text explaining I was just upset because he'd told me he wouldn't show it to others but our friendship meant more to me than an accident and it went from there to him grovelling (which was slightly unneccesary but enjoyable all the same.) He's deleted the photo from his phone all together so I guess he really is sorry.

However, I did get a good quote from someone else on twitter over the whole thing, which I've printed off and stuck on my wall.

"You deserves someone who knows how to make things up to you after upsetting you, not someone who's good with the word "sorry"."

Other than that, today was pretty uneventful. Oh, but I'm fairly sure I've failed my most recent history mock. I know fuck all about liberal reforms!

So I lied. (Sorta). I want to talk about my future today, rather than my ideas from yesterday, but in doing so I am kinda including one of the ideas. However, there is a reason that I want to talk about my future; I did my sixth form applications today.

It took me 2 hours to choose which subjects to put on each one. I read the entire prospectus of both schools that I'm applying to (Charters and Desborough) and then talked to someone doing each of my favourites at the school.
I'm glad I did that, because after my long report from school came out, my science confidence has been low. Let me show you why...

"Biology.
Effort: Average
Target Grade: A
Estimated Grade: D
Trial Exam Result: 43%
Andrew has made some progress this year but it has not been as much as he is capable of. He is still easily distracted and I would like to see him try to concentrate more on the task given to him rather than chat to those around him. In the recent Trial Examination Andrew obtained an extremely disappointing result. Continued hard work will be necessary in order to ensure a more favourable result in summer. I am confident that Andrew is mature enough to realise the changes he has to make and will do so. Please note that the estimated grade in this report does not take into account his ISA result which contributes 25% towards the final grade in the summer and will be completed in the coming weeks.
Target: Identify key areas for revision."

Now, this report made me realize a couple of things. Whilst Mortimer is harsh, he is also fair. I talk a LOT in Biology, and he HAS mentioned it to me before. Therefore, I will ask to move. Whilst I may have fucked up the mock, it was just a mock. It also confirmed that I DON'T want to do biology A level.
HOWEVER, after talking to people today I realized that actually, I can still do chemistry. With effort: excellent and estimated grade: A*, I'll be fine. So let me talk you through each of my choices. The desborough ones are similar to a post I made a while ago. Charters however is rather... different :)

CHARTERS
Charters is the school my sister went to, and the only other secondary school I applied to back in year 6. I chose desborough because it was easier for my family. Now, my mum drives past charters to go to work, and it'd be easy to get me there. I figured I may aswell have a look. However, after looking at the prospectus, a part of me wants to go there more than desborough.
At Charters, there is the option of taking 5 subjects, instead of 4, at the cost of most, but not all, of your frees. I chose to take up this option. So my choices were...

ENGLISH
Not a question. English is and always has been one of my favourite subjects. I love books, reading and writing them. I officially want to be an author (as in if someone asks I say author, wheras in reality it's between a couple of career paths) and want to do English at Uni, meaning I need to do it at A level!
PHILOSOPHY & ETHICS
I've loved Philosophy and Ethics all the way through secondary school. One of the reasons I thought to look at charters was because Desborough doesn't offer it. The units are all fairly similar to what I've done at GCSE, but in more depth, which would give me a good standing within the class and for the exams.
CHEMISTRY
My favourite science. It's abstract, but convential at the same time. Something that has always just generally captured my interest and my friends really like the teachers and highly reccomend the subject :)
PSYCHOLOGY
My sister was interested enough by this A level to continue it to A level. I've always been interested by human science and it's a mix of a humanity and a science, whilst maintaining my interest, and therefore fits with my other choices. Not offered at Desborough, I would regret not doing this.
SOCIOLOGY
The one that fills the "5th block", it was highly reccomended by a friend. Fitting perfectly with Psychology, it compliments my other choices without having coursework or an overload of homework. And, if it's too much, I can drop it during the first 6 weeks. Not offered at Desborough, I would regret not doing this.


DESBOROUGH
The school that I've spent the last 5 years of my life attending and live nearer to. I know the campus like the back of my hand and have a lot of strong friendships there (not all of whom are staying, however). Desborough would be the logical choice, but my options aren't as strong as the ones at Charters are now.

ENGLISH
The english department at Desborough is quirky and generally enjoyable, with a very different and, in my opinion, better course than the one at Charters. This is the one subject I think that is better at Desborough than at Charters.
CHEMISTRY
An abstract science with decent teachers, my love of Chemistry was formed during the last two years by a teacher whom I originally hated but have grown to love. However, there is no garuntee she would be my teacher in sixth form. However, the other potential teacher is a good one and no matter where I do this subject, I know I will enjoy it.
GOVERNMENT & POLITICS
Politics have always interested me, and I've never been quite able to understand the conventions of government, and this subject fits with english whilst quenching my thirst for knowledge about the world in which I will eventually be voting. Whilst one of the teachers isn't exactly my favourite, he is a good teacher. Not offered at Charters, I would regret not doing this.
PHOTOGRAPHY
My "shaky" choice. Photography is a way to be creative without having to be good at art. I'm okay with doodling but I can't paint to save my life! In the end it was between Photography and History, but History's 3000 word independant study of Russia scared me into choosing this one. I'm perfectly happy to spend 5 minutes taking a picture and then 50 describing it, but this is probably the one I'd drop at A level if I went to Desborough. Offered at Charters, I had better things to choose than Photography there.

So yeah. I have a while to decide which to go and if I don't get into one of them, then that'll make the choice for me. But considering the admission standards, my mock results would admit me to both, so it looks like I'll have to choose. I have a couple of months though!

Today was actually really eye opening. I had 2 ideas for posts I could do today which I quite like, but I'm now too tired to do either of them justice. So I shall do 2 posts tomorrow. Sound fair? :)

The concert tonight was just AMAZING. Red Means Go & Streetfight Silence are soooo cool :)

Shit day. Now have been given 25 minutes to get ready for going to see hairspray. I was really looking forward to it this morning but now I just cba :/

The worst part? I promised my friends I wouldn't get upset about it.

The last 4 days or so have actually been really good. Saturday was just amazing, Sunday I finally got a day of rest that was long needed, Monday was hilarious for the most part and today was just generally good. I'm really happy with where I am in life at the moment, and there is something potentially starting that makes me happy. I don't want to jynx it by telling you or risk being hurt by getting my hopes up too high, but lets just say, if anything happens; you'll know. ;)

First lesson was maths. I worked through the new type of exam paper (that we won't be sitting :S) with John and just generally had a laugh. Some of the questions were actually rediculous. One pops to mind; we had to work out the height of a girraffe by comparing it to the height of a recycling bin. It didn't say how tall the recycling bin was. But yeah, it was just funny because John is actually quite a good friend. He's just an all round nice guy, actually. I don't think I've heard him say a bad word about anyone. Or maybe he did and I missed it. Either way, he's cool :)
Second was physics and I sat half-listening half talking to Matt. Alister got yelled at for texting and I couldn't help but laugh. Did a little bit of the homework set and just generally had a joke around, which was fun.
Break was nothing special. In honesty, when I say that, I'm taking my friends for granted. We usually have quite a good time, but I'm just so accustomed to enjoying myself at break/lunch that I don't think anything of it.
Biology was pretty good. I sat directly next to Alister with Matt being like... half a meter away on a different table. Tubby and him kept edging their table closer XD. But yeah, we did some ISA prep and drew the table up. We're doing the ISA this week and getting it out of the way, I think.
Lunch was more of the usual. Was really hungry by the end of it, though. I've GOT to stop skipping breakfast and lunch, it's so bad for me. :/
Form was pretty funny just making jokes with Alister and then talking to Thompson about A level choices. Went to PE, and it was bloody FREEZING. The entire group have got to the point where they've all realized everyone else hates Tom too, so are collectively shunning him when they can. Although Onii & Sam are a bit too nice to tell him to fuck off, I think. Which might not be a good thing, because I reckon their niceness now will lead him to try and stalk THEM later on in the year. But hey, it's their choice.
English we did this exam which we actually did last lesson but she decided we needed to redo. Think I did better in it this time though, so I'm not actually that bothered. Made an appointment to see Tanner about Photography on thursday and then went home.

Basically relaxed because of cancelled plans. Started playing a geeky MMORPG game called Evony just for something to do. It's quite lame but fun at the same time. I loves me some fantasy.

I WILL write another proper blog post soon. Got a few things to say, just don't really have the time. I thought, once the show was over, I'd have some more time off. However, when I bought my diary and started filling it in, I realized I was wrong. Lets show you...

Tomorrow I had plans which were cancelled which are now replaced with me recording Omar's piece for his music GCSE
Wednesday I have work because I'm covering for my brother who's doing an exam (I don't usually work on wednesdays) EDIT: ANDD I have LGBT youthclub woo
Thursday I'm going to see Hairspray with the family - which I can't wait for
Friday I have stagecoach then the post-panto party, which I'm looking forward to.
Saturday I have dancing then I'm going to an unsigned artists gig, which I can't wait for.
Sunday I'm celebrating Sam's birthday (almost a week late - I feel terrible)
Monday I have work
Tuesday I have the daisy pulls it off opening night thingy
Wednesday I'm possibly covering for Claire at work
Thursday I have drama sub meeting
Friday stagecoach
Saturday dance...

The list goes on!! Although, saying that, I'm REALLY happy with my life atm. So, you know, y'do what ya love :))

My mind is rather like a tumble dryer at the moment, so most of this post will probably be incoherant. I might come back and fix it up later, but I doubt it.

- I'm worried about ROBIN.
EDIT: He seems to have cheered up. :)

- Yesterday was an amazing day, surprisingly. One of my friendships seems to have finally clicked into the place I've been trying to get it to since June, and he seems a little bit more comfortable around me now.

- I hope things go well for me over the next week (especially with a certain person).

- "The more I practice, the luckier I get." I need to focus on some other things for a while.

- I found my monologue for my NYT audition! Woo!

- I think I've got to the point where I've realized that, whilst I will probably always be attracted to him, the platonic side of our relationship far outways the potential-boyfriend-ness and I hope that he feels the same way.

- I desperately need to choose my 4th AS level. Maths? Photography? History? :/

- My room needs cleaning. Badly.
EDIT: Done

- I have rather a lot of homework to do.
EDIT: Done

- I need to watch fame by friday.

I don't have long, but I have something to say. I'm fucking tired of having half-time friends. Today, one of my friends was evidently down so I asked him what was up. His response? Putting in headphones and hardly talking to me all day. If he doesn't want to talk to me, fine. But over the last week, he's just been so cold towards me. I'm tired of drama <_<

Between School, work, homework, booster classes, detentions, stagecoach and the pantomime, I won't really have the time to post over the next few days. I might snatch five minutes or so tomorrow and maybe on saturday morning, but don't hold your breath. If not, see you sunday.

TODAY: I'm knackered, so I'll make this quick. Got up late, ran to school, pissed around most of the day. Managed to make a trainee teacher hate me because Ryan's book caught on fire and I jokingly blamed him, which he took seriously. Finished school, went to work which was uneventful. I don't usually work on wednesdays but she needed someone to cover for claire. Went to the panto, which went fine. JP wasn't there because he was seeing his permashag/boyfriend/whatever he's calling Marcus these days. Tbh I didn't really notice his absence and managed to have a good time. Although Sarah really isn't great with a smoke machine! Came home and rushed some homework so I won't get in trouble tomorrow, and typed this up.

See y'all sunday! x

Somewhere over the rainbow - me first and the gimme gimmes is AWESOME.

Today was pretty good. Got up and actually had breakfast for once. Walked to school, Thompson managed to get me a new sixth form application sheet (I mucked up my old one) which put me in a pretty good mood. I handed in the notes I was missing, and went to maths.
I fell asleep in maths, but it went down fairly well. Don't think Miss Lewis was that bothered, because I wasn't disrupting the class. Physics was much better than yesterday. Yesterday he spent a good 10 minutes laughing at the fact I'd punched tubby. I've never found Matthews particularly amusing and yesterday it just pissed me off. Today he bored us to death about the differences between uranium and plutonium bombs. I think. I kinda drifted off.
Break was alright. Nothing much happened but atleast it was a little bit less awkward that it has been the last few days. Chemistry was a bit odd... Matt and I have a long running joke about us being "more than friends" (we're not). I ended up groping him. It's not the first time and I doubt it'll be the last. I have no idea how it ended up in me groping him. Last time he was betting I wouldn't. This time... Nope, can't see a logical reason.
Lunch was good, loads of people came to the quiet area and it was just generally more entertaining than usual. Afternoon form was alright, Thompson was bitching about some student but I wasn't really paying attention. PE was pretty funny, I made a couple of jokes that Onii is in love with Imran so he got his own back. I was not happy. We made a truce not to go there again XD Onii and I hugged & made up and I went to English. Spent english half paying attention and doodling with Sam.
My english mock threw me off a bit, but Miss McQueen isn't exactly the best at controlling the class. I should, in all honesty, probably start paying more attention in lessons. Then I walked home and just relaxed. Show starts again tomorrow so I knew I wouldn't get another chance. Finished Season 4 of QaF and should probably do some homework now...

As I promised, I shall now go into my last four days, as much as I can remember.

Lets rewind back to Thursday.

By about 4pm Thursday, I was ready to kill myself. I'd broken my friends nose, I'd got (comparitively) shit results, and I was nervous for the pantomime to come. Luckily, the panto itself managed to cheer me up. Let's go back a bit further.
First lesson; PE. I was hit in the back of the head by a basketball, which hurt. It continued hurting in second lesson. Second lesson; Biology. Everyone started playfighting, but I chose to stay out of it and just rest my head. Tubby took it upon himself to get me involved by slapping me round the back of the head, and just as a reaction my fist was launched at him. Unfortunately, my aim was better than expected, and I hit him directly in the centre of the face, breaking his nose. He sat there bleeding for about 10 seconds before either of us had realized what happened. The shocked silence was broken by Mr. Mortimer screaming ANDREW KING MOVE AWAY FROM RYAN, NOW! I then spent a good few minutes staring at my seemingly undamaged fist, whilst mortimer attended to Tubby's nose. Everyone had a laugh about it and Tubby and I were talking and laughing by the end of the lesson, but I was still worried. Mortimer called us back and Tubby said he didn't want trouble, and I volunteered to take him to the medical unit and sir said that we'd "discuss punishment later." Ryan span some fabrical tale to the medical staff about falling over on the way, and I was there to check he was ok or something. We sat there during break with Jack, who'd broken his knuckle, who found it hilarious that I'd punched him and was next to him taking care of him. It was bleeding half an hour after the punch, and I was kicked out to go to third lesson.
I sat there in French being bombarded by questions. I remember thinking "Shit. Word spreads fast around here." I just put my head down for the hour. Lunch and I went back to the medical unit to find out they'd sent Ryan home, so I went back to my friends and tried to forget it. During form I told my form tutor about it (tubby's in my form too) before anyone else could tell him, so that he'd know the truth. He was really understanding and said that he knew I wasn't usually a violent person, so it was fine.
After basically panicking for a while Gemma picked us up and we went to the hall. The show went well overall, and for a first night it was great :) Mum stayed in the bar for ages and then we went home.

Fast forwarding to Friday...
I wasn't particularly looking forward to school, what with the previous day's events. But sure enough, I turn up and things start looking up. I got a note in form with some added mock grades from ICT, basically reminding me I've already got 3 A*s, which, if I add to my results, makes them a lot better overall. Couple of harsh names flying around everywhere, but nothing too bad. Physics my teacher made a joke about it, but then let it slide, and then most of it was out of the way. During break a chavvier guy in my year gave me a leaflet for his boxing club, which I laughed off and then binned. I was a bit nervous waiting for biology to come around, and when it did, it was surprisingly ok. I was given an hour detention, and warned that next time I wouldn't get off so easily, but Mr Mortimer seemed fairly understanding.
So yeah, Friday went better in general. The show went well, too :)

Saturday passed in a fairly uneventful show-tuney blur. I could complain about certain things, but it's nothing you haven't heard/read before, so I won't go into it. Sunday was pretty decent, with more of the same heard-before complaints. My uncle and aunt came to see the show and then we went for a meal afterwards, which was nice but a bit awkward. I love my uncle, he's awesome. He's got a million bad jokes up his sleeve and is just generally a nice guy. His girlfriend? Not so great. She's just a bit too tarty and too posh at the same time. She's... Spoiled, I guess. I mean, she's pretty and all but she's hardly an ideal catch.
Was promised a talk on thursday by a good friend which, considering how many "talks" he's promised me recently, I doubt will happen; but if it does, I'll be happy.

Just realized I haven't written about today. Not much happened. I might talk about it tomorrow, but frankly this post is HUGE already!

I promise to give you guys a huge update on monday/tuesday time because I'll have the time. Until then the panto literally gives me no time to write this. So... yeah. See you then x

Not got much time. Had a v. eventful day. I'd really like to explain the whole thing and go into it, but time does not permit. So, in my usual rushed style...

1. I got my Mock Results. A* in RS and Chemistry. C in English. D in Biology. Bs in everything else.
2. I'm really worried that I've potentially broken someone's nose. I didn't mean to break a bone, just get them to fuck off.
3. Pantomime's first night is tonight. In fact, that's why I'm so rushed!

Yep... Super Rooster.

Let me explain. Rewind to Biology, yesterday. Sat on my right is Tubby, and on my left is Andy W, then Chris. Chris has always been interested in acting and knows that I do quite a lot of stuff, so is often asking me about it. When he asked if I'd ever been paid for acting, I said yes. He asked about it, so I told him. In the summer of year 8, I was paid to do a voice over for a russian game, "Super Cow", playing a character called "Nick the Chick". The only thing I really knew about him was that, at the end of the game, he grew up to be "Super Rooster". Unfortunately, Andy W found this hilarious, went away and FOUND THE GAME. After promptly telling everyone, he's trying to get to the bit with my voice in it to post on facebook.
I've managed to find the funny side so far, but I'm astonished by the lengths than Andy went through to listen to me be a chicken. He paid £5 to download the bloody thing XD So my current nickname is Super Rooster...

Anyway, things that have happened over the last three days...

We had two pantomime rehearsals which were... interesting. I have to say, if the audience want a show, they should see what happens backstage! Anyway, I had a couple of people asking me if I intended to ask out (insert the name Clodagh if the asker was under the age of 20, insert the name Sophie if they weren't) repeatedly, to which I either changed the topic, walked off, or said that they "weren't my type" (it's not a lie, afterall). After rehearsal last night I asked JP for a word about it, and what he told me actually made a lot of sense. There's definately something special about our friendship. I just feel safe when I'm around him. Anyway, he told me I had two options. Avoid it like the plague or tell them the truth. His reasoning was that if I'd managed to tell my parents, that I should be able to freely admit it. The conversation then went like this.

Me: Yeah, but... After what I went through coming out at school I'm not sure I want to go through it again.
Him: You won't, because if anyone tries anything I'll pin them to a wall and kill them. Because I know what it's like, yeah?
Me: Hmm *smiles weakly*
Him: Just... think it over. It's not something to be rushed.

I don't think I've seen him angrier than when he was saying he'd kill them. It was just a split-second of rage before he was back to being calm. But I think maybe it was what I needed. I'm not sure I'll do it, but it's definately something to think about. I mean, after what I actually DID go through at school, I'm fairly sure I've had the worst of it. And I survived that and both parties (me and the assholes) moved on.
I'm just going to take it one step at a time, I guess. I'm comfortable with myself, and I can defend myself both physically and verbally. It's just... I guess it's hard to explain.

Anyway, now you know what I meant by "a lot's happened" last night. And the cut on my hand still bloody hurts. It's just far down enough to rest on the table when I type, but just high up enough to move as I type, meaning it hits the table repeatedly D:

Tags: acting careers, andy w, chris, coming out, defensive, jp, pantomime, super rooster, tubby

It's been a hectic two days and quite a lot has happened. However, I'm f**king knackered so I'm off to bed, and I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. BUT, I WILL SAY

- Stalkyboy claims he's gonna pretend I don't exist which, frankly, made my day. Means I don't have to deal with him

- Lots of panto issues I'll discuss tomorrow

- I CUT MY FUCKING HAND AND IT'S BLEEDING AND HURTING AND RAAAAAWR

Tech rehearsals ALWAYS suck. This one was no different. Suffering from really low morale, but I can't help but wonder if I'm lowering others in the proccess. Only time will tell...

On a lighter note; JP was really nice to me today and my best friend kept me sane via text.

But... when I sent him a text checking he was okay he didn't reply. I'm kinda worried. Of the three occasions I've tried to check up on him via text (all different occasions), he's never responded. :/

The title is actually the title of a song I thought about writing a while ago. It never did get very far. Maybe because I'm not competent enough on an instrument, but I couldn't find the music to go with the lyrics. If I'm honest, it was just a chorus.

2 Songs before the rescue party
Not that you need saving
But I just need
To be your hero

Heh. I just liked the idea, I guess.

Anyway, my day was alright in the end. Stalky-boy didn't turn up. It sounds pathetic but I'm still dreading seeing him at all. He's just... to much. In every way.
My day: Got up way earlier than needed because I wanted to be ready, made myself some bacon for breakfast and eventually headed off. In form Thompson spent 5 minutes raging to try and get control of the 10 students in that class, which if you ask me, is a tad pathetic :/ He then forgot to take the register, which Mrs Hughes caught him up on.
ICT, Mrs Hughes talked to me about my progress and asked if I still wanted to go for the fourth GCSE in ICT or to spend the rest of my ICT classes revising for other subjects. I, having 5 months to my GCSEs and knowing that I'm more than capable of completing it, chose the earlier option. She told me she'd fill in the paperwork to make me an "honorary OCRa student"* and it'd be fine. I then just talked to Tubby as I finished editing Unit 22 and restarted the last unit, 8. History we talked about the exam and she told us that she was very happy with our results and there was more than one A, but she wasn't allowed to divulge anything. I can't help but hope I was one of those A's, though. Lunch I hung around with my brother for a bit and then started talking to Mike and Matt, which took up the rest of the 20 minute lunch break. I really like the two of them, and I don't usually get a chance to talk to them properly, so it was cool.
Form, Thompson was again raging and remembered to take the register, telling us to check the website on monday for more updates. Fourth we had RS and Mrs. Knaggs, my teacher, told me that I'd got one of, if not the best, score in the year (she hasn't checked Thompson's students) and that I'd beaten "Thomas's" score. Thomas, is of course, stalky boy. Who always asks about MY marks. So she assumed I cared about HIS. I told her not to go there and I think she took the hint. Chris, David and I just mucked around the rest of the lesson and I managed to convince Chris to participate which Miss Knaggs seemed rather pleased about. XD Biology we did wordsearches and shit, which Tubby decided we should treat as a race. I won, but only just, which he was not happy about. I didn't realize he'd get so pissed off O_o
Walked home and mucked around on the computer a bit. Watched a few episodes of QaF (am now finished with series 3 episode 9) and thought about stuff. Got inspired for 3 short stories which I've written the concepts out of and will work with over the weekend.

* = In my school, there are three ICT courses available. OCRc is core, which everyone has to take, and gives one gcse. OCRs is standard, takes up one option block, and gives an extra GCSE (or two, for "exceptional students" - the GCSE option booklet's words, not mine) in addition to the core and OCRa which gives 3 extra to the core, and takes up two option blocks. I've completed all of the OCRs work, including the extentional GCSE, so am now doing the OCRa amount of units. Last time I checked, I was ahead of the OCRa students in workload finished. I only know that because my best friend takes OCRa and, of course, I enjoy pissing him off. XDD

Additions to the list
64. Watch My Sister’s Keeper
65. Watch the Notebook
66. Catch Heatran on Pokemon Diamond
67. Catch Regigas on Pokemon Diamond
68. Draft, finish and enter CLIPBOARD PSYCOLOGY into a competition
69. Draft & Finish ACID
70. Plan, draft and finish FEATHER DANCE
71. Buy someone flowers
72. Record myself singing I’m yours and have it decent
73. Obtain a (semi-decent) microphone for said recording

I decided to rewrite this post with some more things that came to mind. However, a while ago I promised Omgoldfish (I don't know how to link to LJ, but search OMGoldfish because she's awesome) that I'd never "edit" my feelings, so the OP will be at the end of the new(er) post.

The last two days, due to the lack of school, I've had nothing to distract me. Because of that, a lot of thoughts have been tumbling around my mind like clothes in a washing machine.
Taking a step back, it's easy to say that actually, I'm extremely lucky. I live in a fairly gay-accepting society in which, even if I didn't choose the terms in which I came out, I am no longer hassled by my peers over my sexuality. (If you don't know the whole story, ask me some time. It's quite a long one though, so you have to ACTUALLY care.) I have access to food and clean water, clothes and can make use of the majority of modern technology in order to make my life easier. However, due to Human Nature, I still have "problems" and the idea of my luck doesn't seem to extend to those. The knowledge that I'm not the only one swimming in the sea of shit, however, helps me keep my chin up.

There are two major things that have been weighing in my mind, and a few minor things, not all of which I can recall right now.
One of them (minor) was the whole relationship with JP and how every now and then I get a glance of what we used to be (REALLY close friends) and whether putting up with his occasional old-man-ism is worth it. For now, yeah. Whether it'll last however, I can't say.

The majors are much more of a long story. So I'll in-a-nutshell them for you.

The first is much easier to explain, so I'll start with that one. A couple of days ago (Monday, I think) I had some unexpected bad news. A very good friend of mine has (a) slightly homophobic parent(s), and they now know about my sexuality. And they found out by having it be shouted at them, mid-arguement. I mean, yeah I'm technically "out"*, I hadn't exactly intended for EVERYONE to know. And, if they were to find out, I wished that I could choose the terms. I mean, yeah, it won't kill me; but it's enough to get to me. The parent has been slightly more awkward around me since he found out (quite a while ago. I was only told on Monday), and until I found out he knew, I thought it was just paranoia.

* = except at Dancing, but the atmosphere there is very homophobic. Only 4 people there know, one of whom I expect told people but she's not exactly trusted. One of them, however, is a girl called Rix, whom I love, even if we don't talk much any more. Her reaction of "me too", really helped my confidence during the issues I was facing at school over it. She helped me realize that I didn't need their shit, and eventually they gave up because they realized that the time they spent harassing me I spent getting better grades than them.

The second you might know most of if you read my blog regularly. This guy, Tom, has been really REALLY stalky to me since September. When I told him, well, he didn't take it too well. He threw a HUGE hissy fit and basically attempted to claw his way into my life through every means possible. I had a lot of support from at least three very good friends, and I survived it up until the holidays. Then I got a call from 3 saying that a blocked number had sent me a very personal text about ruining his life. I told them I didn't want to hear it. Sam later showed me a chat log in which he stated that "I didn't want to hurt him but I've ruined his entire life" and that he still has feelings for me and wants me back and blah blah blah. Truth is, I asked to read it because I REALLY need to know what I'm up against. But still, he should stop trying to get to me. He's causing his own pain and needs to "get over" me.
But the thing that's getting to me is that none of the friends will actually be there for me tomorrow, and I doubt one of them will be there for me for the rest of term (long story also) so if he's there tomorrow, I'm screwed. I can tell now that it will either end in my punching him or crying. I'm REALLY hoping that he's still in Norfolk.

Well, that was a rather long post. Thanks for letting me express myself, blog. And, for the record, if you didn't know I'm "not straight", ya do now. The original, shorter, post is below.

Original Post: Mind-deep Fog

Random thoughts have been tumbling through my mind the last few days. Monday and Tuesday were... Interesting. It would've been great, except I recieved one piece of bad news.
One of my friend's... how should I phrase it... Less gay-activist... parents, knows about me. Not only that, but he found out by it being shouted at him. I mean, yeah, people knowing comes with the whole package deal of being "out", I just wish the terms had been different. I thought I was being paranoid when he stopped talking (the parent) to me, so much.

Wednesday & Thursday I should've been at school, but haven't been because of snow. Am due to be back tomorrow, and the school seem serious about it. Will be interesting to see if a) the school follows through and b) who turns up.